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shape shifting made simple
Jan. 4th, 2006 10:53 amMost of the people I know are upset that they're "fat" again, as 'tis the season to overindulge. Or was. And now comes the self-flagellation, etc., that they have to diet and whip themselves quickly into some different shape or another.
WILL Y'ALL QUIT IT?!
I'm tired just hearing about the regimens of strenuous exercises and pointless food restrictions and, for fuck's sake, PILLS. So in this mass-communication format I'm giving out my own secrets to having a body-shaped body. Everyone can agree that I'm pretty much shaped like an average healthy human (except for the fat head) so there's something to aim for before you all try to look like anime characters and martial arts champions. Okay?
#1. BREAKFAST. Eat breakfast every day. Unless you have a blood sugar condition breakfast should contain more carbohydrates than proteins. The portion size should run about 1 to 1&1/2 cups. There should be at least a little fiber. The carbs start your metabolism burning for the day. Small meals, about the size of a saucer instead of a plate - every four hours or whenever you're hungry, will prevent your body from overreacting to being hungry by slowing your metabolism and storing fat. Once your body is used to getting what it wants and not being hungry, it chills out and stops keeping the fat it thought it needed.
#2 TIME & REALISM. You didn't put on all this fat in a week, or even a month. So why do you think you'll lose it in a week or a month? If you want to get into a different shape, for real and forever, you ought to allot yourself as much time to get to that state as it took to get into this one. And don't go thinking that Kate Moss is a healthy shape to aim for. That's just sick. Be real.
#3 FIDGET. People who move around in their seats, who get up and walk around when they're waiting for something, who sit up straight and therefore use more muscles than it takes to slouch, all burn more calories and have a slightly higher metabolism. How's that for a run-on sentence? Move more, use more of your body, use it in ways it's not used to being used, and it will get used to being the kind of body that moves and will look like one. It takes a few months for the change to become visible, but it's that simple.
#4 VARIETY. Most of us have strange dietary needs. The normal human body is a myth, and feeding a body type that you don't have is what comes of that myth. If you want to intake more salt than is considered healthy, do it. If your body wants to eat zucchini, go get some. It's not just pregnant ladies that have the cravings, they just get them harder. Don't worry about the fat intake. Once you start having the higher rate of metabolism your body just processes fat like anything else. So if you want your zucchini drowned in ranch dressing, that's okay. Give your body what it wants and it's more prone to give you what you want.
#5 SLEEP. Sleep is part of being healthy and all good diets should include it. Changing the fundamental structure of how your body decides it's shape and energy protocols is hard work, best done while while you sleep. It's a time for your body to digest all the interesting things you feed it and use them to fix the structure of your body. Most of you run short on sleep anyway, and your body doesn't like it, and if your body is unhappy it will resist change.
#6 SEX AND EXERCISE. Exercise is a good thing. Play, which is a form of exercise that is fun, is even better. Sex is the best form of exercise ever. It has so many health benefits I'm not going to bother listing them. So go play, get exercise, masturbate, and have sex. Do the Monty Python silly walk. Get used to moving around and practice being in touch with your body. Once your shape starts changing you'll need this anyway, because your reflexes will still be on a default setting for your old shape and not for this new thing you're becoming.
#7 MAKE IT A HABIT. Once you get into the habit of eating smaller, more frequent meals you'll start planning your meals differently. You'll probably buy more tupperware. You might learn to make your own snack food, but let's not get crazy, shall we? Leave that to me. Get into the habit of giving your body different foods, different kinds of movement, different textures to feel, and different dreams every night because you actually get enough sleep.
I'm tired just hearing about the regimens of strenuous exercises and pointless food restrictions and, for fuck's sake, PILLS. So in this mass-communication format I'm giving out my own secrets to having a body-shaped body. Everyone can agree that I'm pretty much shaped like an average healthy human (except for the fat head) so there's something to aim for before you all try to look like anime characters and martial arts champions. Okay?
#1. BREAKFAST. Eat breakfast every day. Unless you have a blood sugar condition breakfast should contain more carbohydrates than proteins. The portion size should run about 1 to 1&1/2 cups. There should be at least a little fiber. The carbs start your metabolism burning for the day. Small meals, about the size of a saucer instead of a plate - every four hours or whenever you're hungry, will prevent your body from overreacting to being hungry by slowing your metabolism and storing fat. Once your body is used to getting what it wants and not being hungry, it chills out and stops keeping the fat it thought it needed.
#2 TIME & REALISM. You didn't put on all this fat in a week, or even a month. So why do you think you'll lose it in a week or a month? If you want to get into a different shape, for real and forever, you ought to allot yourself as much time to get to that state as it took to get into this one. And don't go thinking that Kate Moss is a healthy shape to aim for. That's just sick. Be real.
#3 FIDGET. People who move around in their seats, who get up and walk around when they're waiting for something, who sit up straight and therefore use more muscles than it takes to slouch, all burn more calories and have a slightly higher metabolism. How's that for a run-on sentence? Move more, use more of your body, use it in ways it's not used to being used, and it will get used to being the kind of body that moves and will look like one. It takes a few months for the change to become visible, but it's that simple.
#4 VARIETY. Most of us have strange dietary needs. The normal human body is a myth, and feeding a body type that you don't have is what comes of that myth. If you want to intake more salt than is considered healthy, do it. If your body wants to eat zucchini, go get some. It's not just pregnant ladies that have the cravings, they just get them harder. Don't worry about the fat intake. Once you start having the higher rate of metabolism your body just processes fat like anything else. So if you want your zucchini drowned in ranch dressing, that's okay. Give your body what it wants and it's more prone to give you what you want.
#5 SLEEP. Sleep is part of being healthy and all good diets should include it. Changing the fundamental structure of how your body decides it's shape and energy protocols is hard work, best done while while you sleep. It's a time for your body to digest all the interesting things you feed it and use them to fix the structure of your body. Most of you run short on sleep anyway, and your body doesn't like it, and if your body is unhappy it will resist change.
#6 SEX AND EXERCISE. Exercise is a good thing. Play, which is a form of exercise that is fun, is even better. Sex is the best form of exercise ever. It has so many health benefits I'm not going to bother listing them. So go play, get exercise, masturbate, and have sex. Do the Monty Python silly walk. Get used to moving around and practice being in touch with your body. Once your shape starts changing you'll need this anyway, because your reflexes will still be on a default setting for your old shape and not for this new thing you're becoming.
#7 MAKE IT A HABIT. Once you get into the habit of eating smaller, more frequent meals you'll start planning your meals differently. You'll probably buy more tupperware. You might learn to make your own snack food, but let's not get crazy, shall we? Leave that to me. Get into the habit of giving your body different foods, different kinds of movement, different textures to feel, and different dreams every night because you actually get enough sleep.