Intimacy vs. Friendship
Sep. 20th, 2015 05:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flamingswordSo you have this interaction spectrum that starts with people you don't get along with. You slowly move up the scale to people you see more of and have in your life more.
Some people are "sometimes friend"s. You get along best when you see each other a few times a month, but maybe one of you has a lot more energy than the other, or maybe your interaction styles are different enough that you annoy each other if you try to integrate for longer than six hours a week. With me so far?
Some people are "everyday friend"s. You can get along with them for eight+ hours a day every day. Your energy levels, anticipation of each others needs, and interaction styles are largely compatible. You would make decent roommates.
Then you have a different spectrum, an intimacy spectrum, and people from anywhere on the previous spectrum can fall anywhere on here. I love my dad, but we do not get along. We see each other face to face roughly every five years. But he changed my diapers and has held my hair while vomitting. That's pretty intimate. It's non-sexual, but speaks to being comfortable with having an important role in my life.
A lot of what women envy about bromance is that men's relationships with each other have sacrificed touching for other forms of these nonsexual intimacies, and then basically declared those intimacies bro-only. You'll clean up your friend's vomit, but cringe at buying your girlfriend tampons? Welcome to an unfair double standard that allows the intimacy of body acceptance for one set but not the other. Men are allowed to know what "embarrassing" things their friends like, but they have to be "cool" in front of a girl - denies even the opportunity for intimacy. There are a lot of little ways that there are his and hers sets of what is okay for intimacy by gender, and there's only two sets of norms. And it's sad, and I hope it dies a rapid death.
Some people are "sometimes friend"s. You get along best when you see each other a few times a month, but maybe one of you has a lot more energy than the other, or maybe your interaction styles are different enough that you annoy each other if you try to integrate for longer than six hours a week. With me so far?
Some people are "everyday friend"s. You can get along with them for eight+ hours a day every day. Your energy levels, anticipation of each others needs, and interaction styles are largely compatible. You would make decent roommates.
Then you have a different spectrum, an intimacy spectrum, and people from anywhere on the previous spectrum can fall anywhere on here. I love my dad, but we do not get along. We see each other face to face roughly every five years. But he changed my diapers and has held my hair while vomitting. That's pretty intimate. It's non-sexual, but speaks to being comfortable with having an important role in my life.
A lot of what women envy about bromance is that men's relationships with each other have sacrificed touching for other forms of these nonsexual intimacies, and then basically declared those intimacies bro-only. You'll clean up your friend's vomit, but cringe at buying your girlfriend tampons? Welcome to an unfair double standard that allows the intimacy of body acceptance for one set but not the other. Men are allowed to know what "embarrassing" things their friends like, but they have to be "cool" in front of a girl - denies even the opportunity for intimacy. There are a lot of little ways that there are his and hers sets of what is okay for intimacy by gender, and there's only two sets of norms. And it's sad, and I hope it dies a rapid death.